French Fry Rap – You Suck at Cooking (episode 35)
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French fries are a dish best served rhythmically.
Wash our hands off and then dry em with a towel
then we’ll dip em back in water and them coat em with flower
Take a potato make sure it’s not a tomato
Then confirm it’s full of love cause you should never be cooking pohateoes.
You get to chopping the potatoes are flopping and then they’re
falling on the floor and so you gotta be mopping ‘em up
You think you lost it so you go in the closet then you
grab so me more potatoes and get ready to hop right back on it
The knife’s blading the potatoes degrading,
into a hundred little shavings then we gett’em all bathing. Uh huh.
Don’t rush this part you wanna pull out the starch,
Though I’m a little bit suspicious that this step is a farce,
because I once gave ‘em a rinse and I just washed ‘em really quick
And when I cooked em up and ate em well they didn’t taste harsh. So.
We dry em off and then we heat up a pot, except the
pot is all unnecessary because we’re not,
gonna boil em in oil gonna spread ‘em out on foil,
and then cook em up and eat ‘em stead of leave ‘em to rot
Spray your pan but not with spray tan,
if you don’t put on a layer then it’s just as bad as taping.
‘cause you don’t want all the fries to be there sticking when you’re
trying hard to flip ‘em while you’re cooking just to gett’em into dipping: back up.
Lay your fries out with some oil to make ’em wetter
add some salt from the container in your bag a bitta Pepper pepper pepper.
Time to wrastle ’em but don’t over hassling
You can take your time or you can do it turbo fastelin’
You can give a spin and use your fingers or fisting
And you can whip em while you’re sipping on a gin with a twisting
And if you’re getting super bored with it centrifugal force it
Spin around until you’re dizzy and you fall on the floor,
then get up.
Four hundred and we’re heating up the onion.
Grab the pan with you left hand open the door and then shove em,
Stand by and bide your time while it starts the combustion
and then collect a fist of implements stand by for the rustlin’
Call your mom or do some origom
Or clean the friggin’ counter ’til the dirt is all but gone
And with a bunch of minutes passing while they’re In there getting blasted
heated sizzled up and fizzling then put your glove on.
‘cause it’s time to take a look at the fries.
Be sure to keep a healthy distance and don’t burn out your eyes.
Be honest ’bout the color don’t be telling yourself lies ’cause if you
under/over cook ’em then you’ll make yourself cry, I mean.
You’re not probably gonna actually cry,
But if you cry a little bit just make sure that you go hide,
‘cause you’ll never really be sure which emotions will be rising
to the surface so just blame it on an onion and then wipe off your eyes
Then get back into that kitchen like a boss,
Take the pan out of the onion, salt, then give ’em a toss,
You wanna mix’ em with precision causing gentle collision,
Then let’s rustle up ingredients to make a thick and dippable sauce.
Love curry mayo ‘cause it’s gotta lotta flavo,
And it’s buoyant so if you go for a swim then it could save you,
Though I really wouldn’t test it because mayo is invested,
In another whole activity called being digested.
So grab handful and just give ‘em a test,
Then continue on assessing ’til you’ve eaten the rest, of em,
Caress ‘em with affection and an unhealthy obsession,
And compress em in your mouth until they fill up your chest. Because.
You suck at cooking ‘cause you’re always overlooking
all the steps it takes to make a things taste great and also you never cook.
You suck at cooking ‘cause you never even go into the
kitchen at any time of the day not even to take a look.