A Crap Guide to Final Fantasy XIV – Magic DPS
A Crap Guide to Final Fantasy XIV – Magic DPS
Tadaaa
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Why each role is the most important person in the party:
*Tank* : Has slap fights with the boss
*Healers* : Kissing boo boos and slapping bitches who made boo boos
*Melee* : Inspecting the bad guy’s anus
*Ranged* : No one gives commends
*Caster* : Big ass hats
I once got six commends as a summoner in Crystal Tower for shitposting in alliance chat for the entire raid. I died, like, three times because I was busy typing. Best commends I’ve ever gotten.
Black Mage: Sucks it
Cries in Viera caster
DNC has a shortcut to get 1 commend through Dance Partner. Only the one though
Big-ass hats, or big ass-hats?
In the time it took you to watch this video:
-Your Red Mage teammate has rezzed both healers back from the brink of a wipe. Make sure to thank them but only commend the healers, as is tradition.
-Your Summoner teammate has built a 10ft tall lego tower and beat the boss bloody with it. Do NOT touch the Lego Tower, it _will_ temper you permanently.
-your Black Mage teammate has succesfully completed 75% of their hardcast Flare. If they owe you any money, this is the perfect time to kill their target and act like it was an accident.
-your Blue Mage friend has for the 30th consecutive time failed to learn a spell that is essential to completing exactly *one* 8 years old Savage Raid and will absolutely never be used again. Do not pity them, they chose their own suffering.
It’s a good thing I’m a masochist!
> Make sure to thank them but only commend the healers, as is tradition.
*cries in Red Mage*
@warlock415 ahh yes…the red mage dichotomy. save the run, but get none of the coms. feelsbadman.
@Nobody Important Yup. Break rotation to raise one healer, burn swift to raise the other, one throws LB3. … afterwards it’s “Hero healer! Clutch LB3!”
@warlock415Us red mages have to live in solidarity
Leveling Black Mage was the longest and most difficult period of leveling for me in this game. When I finally acquired the largest and most level-90-iest hat I could find, I never felt more proud of myself.
And then I tripped over my job change bar, smacking my knee on the Red Mage button. And then I sneezed.
And all of a sudden, I was a level 90 Red Mage. I looked around nervously. Had anyone noticed? Was Yoshi-P watching me?
…I… I didn’t understand. I thought I was the only one. <3
I think I’m like the only one who is kinda fine with the old school fire rotation. Optimizing fire starter and thundercloud procs, etc.
Shortest for me because I paid Yoshi-P a tithe for him to answer my prayer of getting this shit job over with.
Best money ever spent. I can wait for the next level cap increase.
I actually found the BLM levelling fun. I am a huge BLM fan. It could be the fact I don’t really have to focus and just spam buttons.
I did this whole process and then a week later I was looking at ARR relics and was like, “Hmm… Black Mage’s relic is probably the coolest one. How bad can it be? I’m level 90 I can just swiftcast 1 shot all the bosses and stuff now, right?”
And then I realized that 90% of the grind for ARR relics are level synced at below level 30 and I went through all that pain and suffering all over again.
And now I main bard because I have a cool flute
The best part about summoner is that the class is irreparably changed every expansion
We have an ARR event every expansion and then we play a completely different game
You can’t tell me to learn how to play my class if the game doesn’t know how it wants me to play it either! HAH!
A pet class on par with WoW Warlocks, except XIV decided pets are gone now.
how do you get something other than a carbuncle?
You don’t. Carbuncles are better. Be a true summoner main and make all your summons Carbuncles.
slidecasting: put emotes in your action bars. while casting they turn greyer, when they turn light again, you can move without interrupting the cast
I learned this on accident when I put comfort emote on my hot bar so I could easily get rid of the misery debuff.
oooo thats a great way to learn the timing 😀
I just wait untill the bar is about over the first number in the cast bar txt, but that’s neat to know.
@Warren Garabrandt yeah but how often does that debuff come up? Hell, it’s a rare dungeon that I can even use Esuna.
@KMCA779 As far as I know, and I would need to check to make sure, esuna does not cure misery. Besides, that’s one more GCD I can be casting broil.
The Blue Mage/Animaniacs crossover we never knew we wanted, but definitely needed.
…Republic Dominican, Cuba, Caribbean..
@warlock415 Greenland, El Salvador, too!
@romie233 Puerto Rico, Columbia, Venezuela, Honduras, Guyana and still
@UpdateGuypls Guatemala, Boliva and then Argentina and Ecuador, Chile, Brazil!
I’m going to need a full version of this song now that includes the new spells, lol
As a BLU myself, this was accurate as all hell. Also, can we get a full “JoCat’s Spellbook” song with all the Blue Magics?
This comment needs more upvotes! Full length blue mage song if possible please!
Is probably already in the works. I mean, he did the same thing with spooky slice for melee deeps, right?
I was going to post a simple 3 word request for a full Blu Mage song but it self destructed…
“And now, the entire Blue Mage spell list, brought to you by… JoCrap!!”
@SkyBaseGamer Then why is the video still around?
The fact that his Blue Mage wasn’t capped at 70 means he was recording footage for this video as recently as the day he started uploading it… Neat.
I thought I was the only one to notice this xD
If this is indeed the end of JoCrap, a fine note to go out on
There’s still gatherers and Crafters.
I dunno how he could pull it off, but if he ever decided to…
@Sixth Cairn – KFP Registered NurseI’d honestly be surprised if he decided to do gatherers/crafters. I’d also laugh if he decided to do one for savage/ultimate raids but I get the feeling this was the last one.
I don’t doubt we’ll see another crap guide series someday but god only knows what and when. I’m very curious to see which direction Jo is going to go now 👀
Time for a Crap Guide to FFXIV: Raiding.
Oh is he not doing any more crap guides to anything after this one?
I don’t play FF XIV but I have learned a couple of things about mages in this game:
-Black mages are a nutritional supplement for your recommended daily dose of heavy metal.
-Red mages use the ancient magical knowledge of slashomancy.
-It’s hard to be a blue mage. Really, really, really hard. If you are a blue mage, consider other professional career with more future like guinea pig in a laboratory.
-WACHAAAAAA!!!
This is 100% correct
Its hard being a blue mage, its hard and nobody understands
BLU is kind of weird.
Your level caps out well below everyone else’s, you have to suffer to learn any of your spells, you’re not invited to any of the good parties, and you are entirely capable of soloing any dungeon with the right build. Properly specced, a BLU is the most powerful class in the game by a huge margin. Too bad you almost never get to actually use it.
@Firehawk376can’t even MSQ with it