A Crap Guide to Final Fantasy XIV – Magic DPS

A Crap Guide to Final Fantasy XIV – Magic DPS


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54 Responses

  1. ryutheslayer123 says:

    Why each role is the most important person in the party:
    *Tank* : Has slap fights with the boss
    *Healers* : Kissing boo boos and slapping bitches who made boo boos
    *Melee* : Inspecting the bad guy’s anus
    *Ranged* : No one gives commends
    *Caster* : Big ass hats

  2. Pedro Scoponi says:

    In the time it took you to watch this video:

    -Your Red Mage teammate has rezzed both healers back from the brink of a wipe. Make sure to thank them but only commend the healers, as is tradition.
    -Your Summoner teammate has built a 10ft tall lego tower and beat the boss bloody with it. Do NOT touch the Lego Tower, it _will_ temper you permanently.
    -your Black Mage teammate has succesfully completed 75% of their hardcast Flare. If they owe you any money, this is the perfect time to kill their target and act like it was an accident.
    -your Blue Mage friend has for the 30th consecutive time failed to learn a spell that is essential to completing exactly *one* 8 years old Savage Raid and will absolutely never be used again. Do not pity them, they chose their own suffering.

  3. Troy Bird says:

    Leveling Black Mage was the longest and most difficult period of leveling for me in this game. When I finally acquired the largest and most level-90-iest hat I could find, I never felt more proud of myself.

    And then I tripped over my job change bar, smacking my knee on the Red Mage button. And then I sneezed.

    And all of a sudden, I was a level 90 Red Mage. I looked around nervously. Had anyone noticed? Was Yoshi-P watching me?

    …I… I didn’t understand. I thought I was the only one. <3

    • StormTAG says:

      I think I’m like the only one who is kinda fine with the old school fire rotation. Optimizing fire starter and thundercloud procs, etc.

    • Dovahgatr says:

      Shortest for me because I paid Yoshi-P a tithe for him to answer my prayer of getting this shit job over with.

      Best money ever spent. I can wait for the next level cap increase.

    • Noir1013 says:

      I actually found the BLM levelling fun. I am a huge BLM fan. It could be the fact I don’t really have to focus and just spam buttons.

    • SmoothAsFelt says:

      I did this whole process and then a week later I was looking at ARR relics and was like, “Hmm… Black Mage’s relic is probably the coolest one. How bad can it be? I’m level 90 I can just swiftcast 1 shot all the bosses and stuff now, right?”

      And then I realized that 90% of the grind for ARR relics are level synced at below level 30 and I went through all that pain and suffering all over again.

      And now I main bard because I have a cool flute

  4. Tater Salad says:

    The best part about summoner is that the class is irreparably changed every expansion

  5. Firb Y says:

    slidecasting: put emotes in your action bars. while casting they turn greyer, when they turn light again, you can move without interrupting the cast

    • Warren Garabrandt says:

      I learned this on accident when I put comfort emote on my hot bar so I could easily get rid of the misery debuff.

    • Salem says:

      oooo thats a great way to learn the timing 😀

    • McGwee says:

      I just wait untill the bar is about over the first number in the cast bar txt, but that’s neat to know.

    • KMCA779 says:

      @Warren Garabrandt yeah but how often does that debuff come up? Hell, it’s a rare dungeon that I can even use Esuna.

    • Warren Garabrandt says:

      @KMCA779 As far as I know, and I would need to check to make sure, esuna does not cure misery. Besides, that’s one more GCD I can be casting broil.

  6. ad00 says:

    The Blue Mage/Animaniacs crossover we never knew we wanted, but definitely needed.

  7. afre989 says:

    As a BLU myself, this was accurate as all hell. Also, can we get a full “JoCat’s Spellbook” song with all the Blue Magics?

  8. Skeletor says:

    The fact that his Blue Mage wasn’t capped at 70 means he was recording footage for this video as recently as the day he started uploading it… Neat.

  9. Tyr McDohl says:

    If this is indeed the end of JoCrap, a fine note to go out on

    • Sixth Cairn - KFP Registered Nurse says:

      There’s still gatherers and Crafters.

      I dunno how he could pull it off, but if he ever decided to…

    • Arogon says:

      @Sixth Cairn – KFP Registered NurseI’d honestly be surprised if he decided to do gatherers/crafters. I’d also laugh if he decided to do one for savage/ultimate raids but I get the feeling this was the last one.

    • Pedro Scoponi says:

      I don’t doubt we’ll see another crap guide series someday but god only knows what and when. I’m very curious to see which direction Jo is going to go now 👀

    • Leonardo Bramante says:

      Time for a Crap Guide to FFXIV: Raiding.

    • Seath says:

      Oh is he not doing any more crap guides to anything after this one?

  10. David Romero Blaya says:

    I don’t play FF XIV but I have learned a couple of things about mages in this game:

    -Black mages are a nutritional supplement for your recommended daily dose of heavy metal.

    -Red mages use the ancient magical knowledge of slashomancy.

    -It’s hard to be a blue mage. Really, really, really hard. If you are a blue mage, consider other professional career with more future like guinea pig in a laboratory.


    • Tanzie says:

      This is 100% correct

    • eggomaniac says:

      Its hard being a blue mage, its hard and nobody understands

    • Firehawk376 says:

      BLU is kind of weird.

      Your level caps out well below everyone else’s, you have to suffer to learn any of your spells, you’re not invited to any of the good parties, and you are entirely capable of soloing any dungeon with the right build. Properly specced, a BLU is the most powerful class in the game by a huge margin. Too bad you almost never get to actually use it.

    • Lamppost 🦕 says:

      @Firehawk376can’t even MSQ with it

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